A round of applause for all the round rump roast fatties in the room. Now what is the one thing that’s wrong with this picture? The wings. We know damn well that those little ass wings aren’t going to hold Big Beth’s ass up. But wait a minute- you know her ankles do not look like that. You know this woman, and this woman has cankles. But you know what- this chubby non-flying fatty fat fairy truly believes in the ultimate power of the chubby girls ability to achieve anything and so do we. Happy Friday!
We’ve been giving you advice for months and you still look wild. The problem is bigger than your bra. We have been walking, driving, cabbing, and even metroing all around the DMV and some of you big girls look a mess. We know that some of it is self esteem, some of it is finances, but the reality is some of its just bad taste. There are a couple of things we need to address with you, immediately. This is a chubby cease and desist order brought to you by Officers Fierce and Spindiego.
Top 5 Fat Fashion Offenses
1. Jumpsuits: Are you serious- I mean honestly are you serious? Big boobs, big stomach, and whether you have little chicken thighs or big thighs this is not the look for you. We just don’t think you OR me look like Jennifer Lopez! J-Lo works hard for that body- we do not.
2. Big Patterns: Oh my god. You have a giant sign that is pointing to you stating, “ I am in the capitol of Chublandia”. You think that a pattern is going to be good, it’s going to cover, hide and distract people from the negative parts. But when you put a big ass polka dot over your titty, do you really think you’re hiding anything? It’s like a drug commercial. Just say no. Say no to big horizontal stripes. Say No to big polka dots. Say No to big corney flowers. Say No to tye dye. Just say NO to tye dye. And animal prints. We love animal prints, especially Officer Spindiego, but multiple animal prints on one item of clothing is unacceptable.
3. Midriffs: Why is your stomach showing? Why do you think its okay? It’s embarrassing for us to even see you walking down the street with your stomach hanging out. From one chub to another, stop the insanity. We can’t take you seriously and neither does anyone else. Also- fat people shouldn’t wear bikinis and we should not ever wear see-through shirts. No. Absolutely not. You are not in TLC circa 1993.
4. Non-fitting dress clothes: This one is just sad. You wear dress clothes because you have somewhere dressy to go. Nothing is worse then when they don’t fit. We all look the same when we are wearing these clothes. Same grey suit, same black suit and it doesn’t look good on anybody. We can’t stand it when people’s dresses don’t fit them. Just because we are fat doesn’t mean we don’t have a shape. You shouldn’t be drowning in your own dress.
5. Shoes with no support: Two Pillsbury dough rolls, popping out the pan. That what your feet look like. The side of your foot is actually touching the ground—only slightly, but your touching the ground. And it’s easy to buy those shoes. They are comfortable and cheap. You can get them at Target or Payless. But we aren’t those women, we don’t have dainty feet. We have ancient Roman gladiator feet. And they need support and pedicures.
Top 3 Fat Fashion Offenders:
1. Catherine’s: Has the nerve to have a TREND ALERT BUTTON. We’re not fooled. Everything we said don’t do above, is on this website. You need to set your security settings to block this site. We know this is a Lane Bryant sister store—but this looks like your great Aunt Betty’s closet. And we know you have an Aunt Betty.
2. Baby Phat: Meow. A shiny, pleather, peacoat. No Kimora, No. You know, we want to love Baby Phat, and sometimes there are some cute things but um—the offenses are far greater than any positive trends in Baby Phat. The #1 offense is the all denim jump suit. Once again, you are not J.Lo and this is not the early 2000’s.
3. Deb Plus: Warning: Sizes are not what they appear to be. Kind of like Rue 21 or Pac Sun. Its kinda cute, and it kinda fits ( it KINDA fits). We’re all Juniors at heart, but we are grown ass women and we have to shop in grown ass stores. Is that lingerie we see? Bedazzled thongs? Do not sink to this level. The originators of crushed velvet.
How to get your shit together:
Spend the Money. To dress to impress you must invest. You’re worth the money. It’s you, it’s yourself and you deserve it. Heaven forbid that you go out and want to buy something that looks good on you. It is better to have a few pieces that are valuable, then a bunch of clothes from Burlington Coat Factory that don’t fit (Not that we are hating on Burlington, much love!). We have a friend and she is so fly. She is a plus size woman who has a bomb job at a non-profit and she is always on point. We asked her what her secret was and she said she only really shops at Nordstrom and Macy’s. Provided everyone doesn’t have Nordstrom and Macy’s money, but the point is you have to invest in cute clothes that fit your body. This doesn’t mean spending a lot of money. It means that when you come across one item at a store that you normally shop at, a piece that looks great—you need to buy it. Finally, we have a shape. It might be an apple, orange, watermelon, cantaloupe or plum, but damn it we have a shape and you should show off those curves, appropriately…
Small and Complex or Big and Simple.You should not always wear black. You have to be original, creative and just as funky as the next girl. You do this by choosing different colors and styles and mixing it up, but what you cannot do is choose a big fat polka dot pattern. Choose a color that flatters your personality and your skin tone. Choose a dress that has a small curved pattern- whether it is in the fabric or the print. Just make sure that you are being strategic about your choice. And remember, no TYE DYE.
Shoes with Support. You look better, you feel better and you walk confidently when you have on shoes that both fit well and support your body. And by support we do not mean wearing heels or tennis shoes everyday. We want you to invest in shoes that have soles, binding and elevation. We suggest shopping at stores like Nine West and Nordstrom Rack. They have wider sizes, larger sizes and more options.
At the end of the day it all comes down to confidence. We need for you to feel confident when you walk out of the house. It’s the difference between having a wonderful day and feeling like crap. The clothes you wear represent more than just you. When you walk down the street you are representing more than just your looks but your personality and character. When you step out of the house, you are representing the entire big girl community.
We are here to help. We are still going through this process—trust we were looking crazy too, going to Deb, eating pretzels and drinking icees. But if you need help, fashion advice or even just support hit us up at CrazySexyNCurvy@gmail.com
The Seat belt.
It is never more apparent that I need to lose weight until I get into the seat and the seatbelt doesn’t fit. I pray to Saint Fatty that there will be enough give on the seat belt to fit around my body. I actually travel with a seatbelt extender. For those of you who don’t know what a seatbelt extender is- when you watch a flight attendant do the demonstration with the seatbelt- that’s also what they give to chubsters that can’t fit the seatbelt. I used to have shame around carrying around 3-5 seatbelt extenders in my purse (I have one in my purse right now- seriously). But nothing is more mortifying than asking a flight attendant for a seatbelt extender. The nice ones keep it on the down low and put it in your hand so no one sees it, but some evil bitches will plop it down in your lap in front of the entire airplane right before you take off. I’d rather steal them and keep them in my purse than face that humiliation.
Other Seat belt opinions…
Nothing is worse than when a flight attendant asks you if you would like a seat belt extender and you don’t need one! This is equally as mortifying. Just because I am fat doesn’t mean that I cannot fit into the seat. S/he should wait for me to ask! And tiny ass commuter planes can go to hell. No one can fit on them. No one.
Walking down the aisle is like playing ping pong as I hit old women and children with my luscious booty. Its not my fault they make the aisle so small! Finally I find my seat. Middle. Sigh. Nothing is worse than the middle seat, I would rather run a marathon, barefoot and naked in New York City than sit my big ass in a middle seat, especially between two skinny people, but sitting between two fat people isn’t any better either! My chub claimed the armrest before I even sat down and the minute I pretend to get settled, the people next to me are already playing tug of war with the armrests! People are really inconsiderate when it comes to middle seat etiquette . You see me struggling. Sitting as still as I possibly can and then your skinny ass takes the arm rest? Your stuck sitting in an uncomfortable boat yoga position and needless to say this is not ideal.
After 5 painful minutes of trying to get settled, you try to stretch your legs out, and they don‘t go anywhere. The airplane is the antithesis of leg room. Actually, it should be called un-leg room because there is none. At this point, you have to pay for leg room. What is included in the ticket price, if not the space in front me, what does this ticket cover? Then on most flights the only seat with leg room is the exit row—but then you have to be responsible for the entire plane and If this plane goes down, am I suppose to take care of all of these people that don’t care about me? I don’t think so! Plus if we are on the way down, get out of my way—I am not saving anybody.
Then the drink cart. If you are sitting in the aisle, you are most certainly about to get hit with the cart because your chubby little arm is in the aisle. The last time I was on a plane, the flight attendant spilled water on me and didn’t even NOTICE and got an attitude when I asked for a napkin! I was actually woken up by the flight attendant hitting me with the cart, not noticing until I repeatedly asked for napkins. You’ve got your drink then you try to let down the shitty tiny tray table, thinking for all this money, wouldn’t it be nice to put my drink down and maybe eat the cheap pretzels. You unhook the table and it rests at a 45 degree angle on top of your stomach or thighs. Sigh.
I’m hungry. You can tell and I can tell to. I look hungry. So why are you pretending like I’m not. Sometimes before the plane leaves, I try to eat something heavy at the gate just to not have to eat anything on the plane. God forbid I want anything with grease and ranch dressing on the plane. Have you ever seen anybody eating a salad on an airplane? Have you? You’re probably not fat.
Where are my peanuts?Where have they gone? For 400 dollars I used to look forward to the peanuts. And now you toss us these pretzels? Who wants a nasty little bag of pretzels. They are the most nasty piece of cardboard shit I have ever had. But you know I ate them. Because I was hungry. Mind your own business. You eat your food, I will eat my food and we will both eat the shitty pretzels.
I can barely fit through the door when I’m trying to get in the bathroom so you already know its going to be a bad experience. Why is everything so small? I would rather have less bathrooms in a bigger size than more bathrooms in Polly Pocket size. Where is the seat cover? Going to the bathroom on the airplane is like going to bathroom in a port a potty except it flushes. When I try to turn around my booty hits the door and it looks like something is going on but really its just that I’m fat in a small bathroom. Are there seat covers? Let me know if you find them.
Now that you are absolutely mortified and want to jump off of the plane—we would like to help you combat some of the drama that is flying while fat.
Tips for Fat Success.
Chubby people have to look nice and I know your head is telling you, “Put on some sweats or gauchos.” You must resist! You have to look nice- wear a dress, wear some cute pants- wear what makes you feel good (Physically AND mentally). Bring a shawl or cardigan- not a puff coat (Why do you own a puff coat? You look like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters).
We get it. You are keeping America safe. Bin Laden is dead, but terrorists are still out there. Those terrorist are you and me. If there is water in my water bottle can’t you just pour it out? Why do we have to walk all the way behind security to pour it out? Why do we have to walk twenty five feet away as if there was a bomb? Twenty five feet is not enough to save the airport. The best way to deal with TSA is to just be prepared. We know it’s difficult. But if you’re going to have to go through a bunch of changes to get through security then you just need to take it off.
Bring your own food.
So you cannot bring water through TSA, but it is safe to bring an entire meal. We’d suggest you bring your own healthy (or unhealthy) snacks. It’s going to save you money because the airport jacks up the prices of everything and you can conceal your snacks in their own Tupperware or snack bags to avoid judgment.
Travel in pairs if you can- or make friends. We had to spend 18 hours a day together; we had to ride many planes together. You are imagining one fat person, think of TWO fat people times all of the horror stories above. But two negatives make a positive. We leaned on each other, fat against fat for 71/2 hours. When we separated both sides of our bodies were covered in sweat. But all I could think was “ at least it was her”. Try to travel with friends or fat admirers and if that doesn’t work, make friends with the people you are sitting next to.
Lie–ahem– tell a mistruth. Sometimes we just don’t think you should have to sit in the middle seat. Its okay to tell a little white lie. Your hurt your leg, you have chronic headaches, your pregnant, you have to pee all the time. Anything really. Say it with a serious look and a sweet face because they will change your seat. THEY HAVE OTHER SEATS! They are just not giving them away. If all else fails, wait until everyone has boarded the plane, be the last person to board—and take a seat in economy plus—it’s your seat. You have to be a bold person to do this one!
Top Airlines for big girl success
Virgin America- AWESOME. Leather Seats. All you can eat/drink. Games, Movies, Books, Music and Internet.
Jet Blue-Great Snacks! Best snacks. They give you more leg room automatically. You have a personal television. Yeah there is XM radio, but whose listening when you can watch TV?
United- They have decent seats. You can purchase more leg room.
Southwest- is a piece of shit. Yeah your right, I get a free bag. Fuck your free bag. Free bag isn’t worth peace of mind. First, there is a cattle herd. It causes fat people e so much stress thinking about the middle seat. The stolen seat belt extender is not universal on Southwest. And do they have food and drinks? Cause you know that is VERY important to us.
Being on the plane sucks, but we have to do it for work, family, vacation, etc. Make the best of it, don’t let people make you feel bad, because your fierce, fat & fabulous– and don’t let a little plane ruin your big heart.