No we are not supposed to do it this way. Cosmo, Glamour, even Woman’s World perpetuates the stereotype that not only are we supposed to be hyper sexual but we’re also supposed to put ourselves in the most unachievable positions to obtain sexual pleasure.
It doesn’t mean that we are not creative or we don’t do freaky things. We are freakier than any other chicks in the industry, but there are some things our fat asses cannot do. Example: A few weeks ago we were in yoga, and mind you we love our yoga instructor, but she asked us to do a move where we tried to sit on our shoulders. Our titties suffocated our throats and our legs couldn’t reach around our stomachs to even begin the possibility of having all body weight resting on two fragile shoulders. If one of us was to put all of our body weight was on our shoulders we would look like the hunch back, line backer, hunch back of Notre Dame.
Evidently skinny women can do acrobatics because all of the positions they recommend look like a chubby girl’s worst nightmare. We would like to take second and caution you on positions not to try while fat.
The Table Crusher: This is mood killer # 1. We know, you thought this was a good idea. You were trying to be creative, mix it up and do something freaky in the kitchen. You started at doggy style and then YOU decided to be creative and turn on your back and then the table turned on you and now its broken into pieces. How do you tell people what happened- “Oh I fell into the table accidentally.” No hoe you broke it! Trying to be Dominque Dawes and shit.
The Sink Breaker: This is mood killer # 2. Are you serious? What you cannot see in this photo is your ass slipping into the sink- the faucet and the drain. If you could get those legs that close to your chest then you must be a skinny! You know your legs haven’t gotten that close since kiddy gymnastics. And your poor partner has to be the sole supporter. It is bad enough to have sex in a tiny ass shower where you don’t even have enough space to move around- so tell us why did you think sitting your ass in the sink was a good idea? You knew better. You know you know better.
The Infamous 69: We know that curvy lovers love it, but for a fat girl this is our worst nightmare. All of your body weight is on their face? You feel like a sumo wrestler. What are you going to tell their family if they die? “I apologize for sitting on your sons face ma’am.” You can never get comfortable, never find the right position and when you do, you immediately think you are killing them. Once you’ve figured all this out then you’re supposed to give them head too? Please. You can’t be serious. You are supposed to maintain comfort, not crush your partner, be good at what your doing AND enjoy it? I’d rather have a V8 and a vibrator.
Now that we’ve identified what we should never do, lets us show you some of our favorites!
Chubby Positions: Proceed with care
Doggy Style: You definitely do not need three pillows from Pier 1 Imports to do the doggy. This is tried, tested, factory sealed and approved to be #1 position in the chubby industry. If you notice, no one’s “meat” is in the way.
Ol’ Faithful: We think that missionary gets a bad rap. If you want to do something different with the missionary, get creative with your legs. Missionary doesn’t have to equal boring, it’s all about the passion AND the comfort. In missionary, you can also have fun with your hands. (Wink)
The Shapeshifter: You can do anything with your legs. You have to have a partner that can hold a little bit of meat. If you can anchor yourself on a bed or ottoman and get that one foot anchored to the ground- you’re good to go. Your partner gets to watch whatever they love the most- the back, the front – or your face.
Did you think we forgot about you big girls who love girls? Well we didn’t. Girls love girls too.
The Lefthanded Scissors: Well well well- everybody is free to touch everything. This position is better than a handsfree phone. You can be as intimate or dirty as you want to be.
Ride’em Cowgirl: See- everyone loves it- that’s why its #1. You can do everything in this position- every way to please your girl happens here. You can take her down at work or throw her over the couch after a long day. All you need is two hands, a toy and an old Keith Sweat Album.
The Universal: Uh oh spaghetti o’s. This picture is worth a thousand words -most of which I said last night and we’ll just leave it at that.