We’ve been giving you advice for months and you still look wild. The problem is bigger than your bra. We have been walking, driving, cabbing, and even metroing all around the DMV and some of you big girls look a mess. We know that some of it is self esteem, some of it is finances, but the reality is some of its just bad taste. There are a couple of things we need to address with you, immediately. This is a chubby cease and desist order brought to you by Officers Fierce and Spindiego.
Top 5 Fat Fashion Offenses
1. Jumpsuits: Are you serious- I mean honestly are you serious? Big boobs, big stomach, and whether you have little chicken thighs or big thighs this is not the look for you. We just don’t think you OR me look like Jennifer Lopez! J-Lo works hard for that body- we do not.
2. Big Patterns: Oh my god. You have a giant sign that is pointing to you stating, “ I am in the capitol of Chublandia”. You think that a pattern is going to be good, it’s going to cover, hide and distract people from the negative parts. But when you put a big ass polka dot over your titty, do you really think you’re hiding anything? It’s like a drug commercial. Just say no. Say no to big horizontal stripes. Say No to big polka dots. Say No to big corney flowers. Say No to tye dye. Just say NO to tye dye. And animal prints. We love animal prints, especially Officer Spindiego, but multiple animal prints on one item of clothing is unacceptable.
3. Midriffs: Why is your stomach showing? Why do you think its okay? It’s embarrassing for us to even see you walking down the street with your stomach hanging out. From one chub to another, stop the insanity. We can’t take you seriously and neither does anyone else. Also- fat people shouldn’t wear bikinis and we should not ever wear see-through shirts. No. Absolutely not. You are not in TLC circa 1993.
4. Non-fitting dress clothes: This one is just sad. You wear dress clothes because you have somewhere dressy to go. Nothing is worse then when they don’t fit. We all look the same when we are wearing these clothes. Same grey suit, same black suit and it doesn’t look good on anybody. We can’t stand it when people’s dresses don’t fit them. Just because we are fat doesn’t mean we don’t have a shape. You shouldn’t be drowning in your own dress.
5. Shoes with no support: Two Pillsbury dough rolls, popping out the pan. That what your feet look like. The side of your foot is actually touching the ground—only slightly, but your touching the ground. And it’s easy to buy those shoes. They are comfortable and cheap. You can get them at Target or Payless. But we aren’t those women, we don’t have dainty feet. We have ancient Roman gladiator feet. And they need support and pedicures.
Top 3 Fat Fashion Offenders:
1. Catherine’s: Has the nerve to have a TREND ALERT BUTTON. We’re not fooled. Everything we said don’t do above, is on this website. You need to set your security settings to block this site. We know this is a Lane Bryant sister store—but this looks like your great Aunt Betty’s closet. And we know you have an Aunt Betty.
2. Baby Phat: Meow. A shiny, pleather, peacoat. No Kimora, No. You know, we want to love Baby Phat, and sometimes there are some cute things but um—the offenses are far greater than any positive trends in Baby Phat. The #1 offense is the all denim jump suit. Once again, you are not J.Lo and this is not the early 2000’s.
3. Deb Plus: Warning: Sizes are not what they appear to be. Kind of like Rue 21 or Pac Sun. Its kinda cute, and it kinda fits ( it KINDA fits). We’re all Juniors at heart, but we are grown ass women and we have to shop in grown ass stores. Is that lingerie we see? Bedazzled thongs? Do not sink to this level. The originators of crushed velvet.
How to get your shit together:
Spend the Money. To dress to impress you must invest. You’re worth the money. It’s you, it’s yourself and you deserve it. Heaven forbid that you go out and want to buy something that looks good on you. It is better to have a few pieces that are valuable, then a bunch of clothes from Burlington Coat Factory that don’t fit (Not that we are hating on Burlington, much love!). We have a friend and she is so fly. She is a plus size woman who has a bomb job at a non-profit and she is always on point. We asked her what her secret was and she said she only really shops at Nordstrom and Macy’s. Provided everyone doesn’t have Nordstrom and Macy’s money, but the point is you have to invest in cute clothes that fit your body. This doesn’t mean spending a lot of money. It means that when you come across one item at a store that you normally shop at, a piece that looks great—you need to buy it. Finally, we have a shape. It might be an apple, orange, watermelon, cantaloupe or plum, but damn it we have a shape and you should show off those curves, appropriately…
Small and Complex or Big and Simple.You should not always wear black. You have to be original, creative and just as funky as the next girl. You do this by choosing different colors and styles and mixing it up, but what you cannot do is choose a big fat polka dot pattern. Choose a color that flatters your personality and your skin tone. Choose a dress that has a small curved pattern- whether it is in the fabric or the print. Just make sure that you are being strategic about your choice. And remember, no TYE DYE.
Shoes with Support. You look better, you feel better and you walk confidently when you have on shoes that both fit well and support your body. And by support we do not mean wearing heels or tennis shoes everyday. We want you to invest in shoes that have soles, binding and elevation. We suggest shopping at stores like Nine West and Nordstrom Rack. They have wider sizes, larger sizes and more options.
At the end of the day it all comes down to confidence. We need for you to feel confident when you walk out of the house. It’s the difference between having a wonderful day and feeling like crap. The clothes you wear represent more than just you. When you walk down the street you are representing more than just your looks but your personality and character. When you step out of the house, you are representing the entire big girl community.
We are here to help. We are still going through this process—trust we were looking crazy too, going to Deb, eating pretzels and drinking icees. But if you need help, fashion advice or even just support hit us up at CrazySexyNCurvy@gmail.com