The Seat belt.
It is never more apparent that I need to lose weight until I get into the seat and the seatbelt doesn’t fit. I pray to Saint Fatty that there will be enough give on the seat belt to fit around my body. I actually travel with a seatbelt extender. For those of you who don’t know what a seatbelt extender is- when you watch a flight attendant do the demonstration with the seatbelt- that’s also what they give to chubsters that can’t fit the seatbelt. I used to have shame around carrying around 3-5 seatbelt extenders in my purse (I have one in my purse right now- seriously). But nothing is more mortifying than asking a flight attendant for a seatbelt extender. The nice ones keep it on the down low and put it in your hand so no one sees it, but some evil bitches will plop it down in your lap in front of the entire airplane right before you take off. I’d rather steal them and keep them in my purse than face that humiliation.
Other Seat belt opinions…
Nothing is worse than when a flight attendant asks you if you would like a seat belt extender and you don’t need one! This is equally as mortifying. Just because I am fat doesn’t mean that I cannot fit into the seat. S/he should wait for me to ask! And tiny ass commuter planes can go to hell. No one can fit on them. No one.
Walking down the aisle is like playing ping pong as I hit old women and children with my luscious booty. Its not my fault they make the aisle so small! Finally I find my seat. Middle. Sigh. Nothing is worse than the middle seat, I would rather run a marathon, barefoot and naked in New York City than sit my big ass in a middle seat, especially between two skinny people, but sitting between two fat people isn’t any better either! My chub claimed the armrest before I even sat down and the minute I pretend to get settled, the people next to me are already playing tug of war with the armrests! People are really inconsiderate when it comes to middle seat etiquette . You see me struggling. Sitting as still as I possibly can and then your skinny ass takes the arm rest? Your stuck sitting in an uncomfortable boat yoga position and needless to say this is not ideal.
After 5 painful minutes of trying to get settled, you try to stretch your legs out, and they don‘t go anywhere. The airplane is the antithesis of leg room. Actually, it should be called un-leg room because there is none. At this point, you have to pay for leg room. What is included in the ticket price, if not the space in front me, what does this ticket cover? Then on most flights the only seat with leg room is the exit row—but then you have to be responsible for the entire plane and If this plane goes down, am I suppose to take care of all of these people that don’t care about me? I don’t think so! Plus if we are on the way down, get out of my way—I am not saving anybody.
Then the drink cart. If you are sitting in the aisle, you are most certainly about to get hit with the cart because your chubby little arm is in the aisle. The last time I was on a plane, the flight attendant spilled water on me and didn’t even NOTICE and got an attitude when I asked for a napkin! I was actually woken up by the flight attendant hitting me with the cart, not noticing until I repeatedly asked for napkins. You’ve got your drink then you try to let down the shitty tiny tray table, thinking for all this money, wouldn’t it be nice to put my drink down and maybe eat the cheap pretzels. You unhook the table and it rests at a 45 degree angle on top of your stomach or thighs. Sigh.
I’m hungry. You can tell and I can tell to. I look hungry. So why are you pretending like I’m not. Sometimes before the plane leaves, I try to eat something heavy at the gate just to not have to eat anything on the plane. God forbid I want anything with grease and ranch dressing on the plane. Have you ever seen anybody eating a salad on an airplane? Have you? You’re probably not fat.
Where are my peanuts?Where have they gone? For 400 dollars I used to look forward to the peanuts. And now you toss us these pretzels? Who wants a nasty little bag of pretzels. They are the most nasty piece of cardboard shit I have ever had. But you know I ate them. Because I was hungry. Mind your own business. You eat your food, I will eat my food and we will both eat the shitty pretzels.
I can barely fit through the door when I’m trying to get in the bathroom so you already know its going to be a bad experience. Why is everything so small? I would rather have less bathrooms in a bigger size than more bathrooms in Polly Pocket size. Where is the seat cover? Going to the bathroom on the airplane is like going to bathroom in a port a potty except it flushes. When I try to turn around my booty hits the door and it looks like something is going on but really its just that I’m fat in a small bathroom. Are there seat covers? Let me know if you find them.
Now that you are absolutely mortified and want to jump off of the plane—we would like to help you combat some of the drama that is flying while fat.
Tips for Fat Success.
Chubby people have to look nice and I know your head is telling you, “Put on some sweats or gauchos.” You must resist! You have to look nice- wear a dress, wear some cute pants- wear what makes you feel good (Physically AND mentally). Bring a shawl or cardigan- not a puff coat (Why do you own a puff coat? You look like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters).
We get it. You are keeping America safe. Bin Laden is dead, but terrorists are still out there. Those terrorist are you and me. If there is water in my water bottle can’t you just pour it out? Why do we have to walk all the way behind security to pour it out? Why do we have to walk twenty five feet away as if there was a bomb? Twenty five feet is not enough to save the airport. The best way to deal with TSA is to just be prepared. We know it’s difficult. But if you’re going to have to go through a bunch of changes to get through security then you just need to take it off.
Bring your own food.
So you cannot bring water through TSA, but it is safe to bring an entire meal. We’d suggest you bring your own healthy (or unhealthy) snacks. It’s going to save you money because the airport jacks up the prices of everything and you can conceal your snacks in their own Tupperware or snack bags to avoid judgment.
Travel in pairs if you can- or make friends. We had to spend 18 hours a day together; we had to ride many planes together. You are imagining one fat person, think of TWO fat people times all of the horror stories above. But two negatives make a positive. We leaned on each other, fat against fat for 71/2 hours. When we separated both sides of our bodies were covered in sweat. But all I could think was “ at least it was her”. Try to travel with friends or fat admirers and if that doesn’t work, make friends with the people you are sitting next to.
Lie–ahem– tell a mistruth. Sometimes we just don’t think you should have to sit in the middle seat. Its okay to tell a little white lie. Your hurt your leg, you have chronic headaches, your pregnant, you have to pee all the time. Anything really. Say it with a serious look and a sweet face because they will change your seat. THEY HAVE OTHER SEATS! They are just not giving them away. If all else fails, wait until everyone has boarded the plane, be the last person to board—and take a seat in economy plus—it’s your seat. You have to be a bold person to do this one!
Top Airlines for big girl success
Virgin America- AWESOME. Leather Seats. All you can eat/drink. Games, Movies, Books, Music and Internet.
Jet Blue-Great Snacks! Best snacks. They give you more leg room automatically. You have a personal television. Yeah there is XM radio, but whose listening when you can watch TV?
United- They have decent seats. You can purchase more leg room.
Southwest- is a piece of shit. Yeah your right, I get a free bag. Fuck your free bag. Free bag isn’t worth peace of mind. First, there is a cattle herd. It causes fat people e so much stress thinking about the middle seat. The stolen seat belt extender is not universal on Southwest. And do they have food and drinks? Cause you know that is VERY important to us.
Being on the plane sucks, but we have to do it for work, family, vacation, etc. Make the best of it, don’t let people make you feel bad, because your fierce, fat & fabulous– and don’t let a little plane ruin your big heart.