Flying While Fat

5 Aug

You are going to California, Florida, Ohio, France. You must fly and there is no way around it. You hate it, I hate it, we all hate it. These are our stories.

The Seat belt.

It is never more apparent that I need to lose weight until I get into the seat and the seatbelt doesn’t fit. I pray to Saint Fatty that there will be enough give on the seat belt to fit around my body. I actually travel with a seatbelt extender. For those of you who don’t know what a seatbelt extender is- when you watch a flight attendant do the demonstration with the seatbelt- that’s also what they give to chubsters that can’t fit the seatbelt. I used to have shame around carrying around 3-5 seatbelt extenders in my purse (I have one in my purse right now- seriously). But nothing is more mortifying than asking a flight attendant for a seatbelt extender. The nice ones keep it on the down low and put it in your hand so no one sees it, but some evil bitches will plop it down in your lap in front of the entire airplane right before you take off. I’d rather steal them and keep them in my purse than face that humiliation.

Need a little extra room? So do I!

Need a little extra room? So do I!

Other Seat belt opinions…

Nothing is worse than when a flight attendant asks you if you would like a seat belt extender and you don’t need one! This is equally as mortifying. Just because I am fat doesn’t mean that I cannot fit into the seat. S/he should wait for me to ask! And  tiny ass commuter planes can go to hell. No one can fit on them. No one.

 The Seat.

Walking down the aisle is like playing ping pong as I hit old women and children with my luscious booty. Its not my fault they make the aisle so small! Finally I find my seat. Middle. Sigh. Nothing is worse than the middle seat, I would rather run a marathon, barefoot and naked  in New York City than sit my big ass in a middle seat, especially between two skinny people, but sitting between two fat people isn’t any better either!  My chub claimed the armrest before I even sat down and the minute I pretend to get settled, the people next to me are already playing tug of war with the armrests! People are really inconsiderate when it comes to middle seat etiquette . You see me struggling. Sitting as still as I possibly can and then your skinny ass takes the arm rest? Your stuck sitting in an uncomfortable boat yoga position and needless to say this is not ideal.

If only real airplane seats were paisley with extra booty and leg room..

After 5 painful minutes of trying to get settled, you try to stretch your legs out, and they don‘t go anywhere. The airplane is the antithesis of leg room. Actually, it should be called un-leg room because there is none. At this point, you have to pay for leg room. What is included in the ticket price, if not the space in front me, what does this ticket cover? Then on most flights the only seat with leg room is the exit row—but then you have to be responsible for the entire plane and If this plane goes down, am I suppose to take care of all of these people that don’t care about me? I don’t think so! Plus if we are on the way down, get out of my way—I am not saving anybody.

You already don't have leg room and THEN SOMEONE HAS THE NERVE TO PUSH THEIR SEAT BACK ( insert middle finger here)

 Then the drink cart. If you are sitting in the aisle, you are most certainly about to get hit with the cart because your chubby little arm is in the aisle. The last time I was on a plane, the flight attendant spilled water on me and didn’t even NOTICE and got an attitude when I asked for a napkin! I was actually woken up by the flight attendant hitting me with the cart, not noticing until I repeatedly asked for napkins. You’ve got your drink then you try to let down the shitty tiny tray table, thinking for all this money, wouldn’t it be nice to put my drink down and maybe eat the cheap pretzels. You unhook the table and it rests at a 45 degree angle on top of your stomach or thighs. Sigh.

These people are only happy because they are skinny and there is liquor on top of this drink cart

 The Food.

 I’m hungry. You can tell and I can tell to. I look hungry. So why are you pretending like I’m not. Sometimes before the plane leaves, I try to eat something heavy at the gate just to not have to eat anything on the plane. God forbid I want anything with grease and ranch dressing on the plane. Have you ever seen anybody eating a salad on an airplane? Have you? You’re probably not fat.

  Where are my peanuts?Where have they gone? For 400 dollars I used to look forward to the peanuts. And now you toss us these pretzels? Who wants a nasty little bag of pretzels. They are the most nasty piece of cardboard shit I have ever had. But you know I ate them. Because I was hungry. Mind your own business. You eat your food, I will eat my food and we will both eat the shitty pretzels.

WE WANT NUTS! WE WANT NUTS!

 Bathroom.

 I can barely fit through the door when I’m trying to get in the bathroom so you already know its going to be a bad experience. Why is everything so small? I would rather have less bathrooms in a bigger size than more bathrooms in Polly Pocket size. Where is the seat cover? Going to the bathroom on the airplane is like going to bathroom in a port a potty except it flushes. When I try to turn around my booty hits the door and it looks like something is going on but really its just that I’m fat in a small bathroom. Are there seat covers? Let me know if you find them.

Now that you are absolutely mortified and want to jump off of the plane—we would like to help you combat some of the drama that is flying while fat.

Tips for Fat Success.

 Dress Strategically.

Chubby people have to look nice and I know your head is telling you, “Put on some sweats or gauchos.” You must resist! You have to look nice- wear a dress, wear some cute pants- wear what makes you feel good (Physically AND mentally). Bring a shawl or cardigan- not a puff coat (Why do you own a puff coat? You look like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters).

Fuck TSA.

We get it. You are keeping America safe. Bin Laden is dead, but terrorists are still out there. Those terrorist are you and me. If there is water in my water bottle can’t you just pour it out? Why do we have to walk all the way behind security to pour it out? Why do we have to walk twenty five feet away as if there was a bomb? Twenty five feet is not enough to save the airport. The best way to deal with TSA is to just be prepared. We know it’s difficult. But if you’re going to have to go through a bunch of changes to get through security then you just need to take it off.

Please big girls, wear something simple to avoid THIS moment

 Bring your own food.

 So you cannot bring water through TSA, but it is safe to bring an entire meal. We’d suggest you bring your own healthy (or unhealthy) snacks. It’s going to save you money because the airport jacks up the prices of everything and you can conceal your snacks in their own Tupperware or snack bags to avoid judgment.

Travel in pairs if you can- or make friends. We had to spend 18 hours a day together; we had to ride many planes together. You are imagining one fat person, think of TWO fat people times all of the horror stories above. But two negatives make a positive. We leaned on each other, fat against fat for 71/2 hours. When we separated both sides of our bodies were covered in sweat. But all I could think was “ at least it was her”. Try to travel with friends or fat admirers and if that doesn’t work, make friends with the people you are sitting next to.

Lie–ahem– tell  a mistruth. Sometimes we just don’t think you should have to sit in the middle seat. Its okay to tell a little white lie. Your hurt your leg, you have chronic headaches, your pregnant, you have to pee all the time. Anything really. Say it with a serious look and a sweet face because they will change your seat. THEY HAVE OTHER SEATS! They are just not giving them away. If all else fails, wait until everyone has boarded the plane, be the last person to board—and take a seat in economy plus—it’s your seat. You have to be a bold person to do this one!

Top Airlines for big girl success

Virgin America- AWESOME. Leather Seats. All you can eat/drink. Games, Movies, Books, Music and Internet.

Jet Blue-Great Snacks! Best snacks. They give you more leg room automatically. You have a personal television. Yeah there is XM radio, but whose listening when you can watch TV?

United- They have decent seats. You can purchase more leg room.

Southwest- is a piece of shit. Yeah your right, I get a free bag. Fuck your free bag. Free bag isn’t worth peace of mind. First, there is a cattle herd. It causes fat people e so much stress thinking about the middle seat. The stolen seat belt extender is not universal on Southwest. And do they have food and drinks? Cause you know that is VERY important to us.

Being on the plane sucks, but we have to do it for work, family, vacation, etc. Make the best of it, don’t let people make you feel bad, because your fierce, fat & fabulous– and don’t let a little plane ruin your big heart.  

4 Responses to “Flying While Fat”

  1. j. August 5, 2011 at 6:23 pm #

    Southwest also has a history of discriminating against fat people. See Kevin Smith and others:

    http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20344142,00.html

  2. Loretta Ross August 5, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    I fly a LOT because of my job, sometimes 100-150 flights per year. So I’ve learned a few tricks I’d like to share and a few annoyances I try to avoid because I’m always flying while fat:

    1) Ask the gate agent to check your seat assignment before boarding the plane. I’ve found that if I ask in advance and let them know it’s because I don’t want 3 people to be uncomfortable if I’m in a middle seat. Most often, they will nod sympathetically and try to help.
    2) Don’t fly fat-hostile airlines like Southwest. Once they started charging extra for fat people, they entered my personal no-fly-zone.
    3) Bring your own food and don’t be ashamed to eat it. You can also bring your own alcohol as long as it’s in a less-than-3-ounce container, and there’s no real limit to the number of these you can bring. In fact, I can purchase mini-bottles from my liquor store.
    4) Challenge TSA screeners who believe it’s a crime to fly while fat. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been searched because I had on a loose dress. If they are nice, I make a joke about how problematic it would be for a 300+ lb woman to fly in a thong. If they are mean, I demand to see the rules that say it’s a problem to fly in a comfortably fitting dress. I never get shown the rule, but I do make them re-think the automatic searching of plus size women.

  3. Raul Ra-Who Aguayo June 22, 2012 at 2:27 am #

    I totally agree with this! I mean, not only for the ladies, but also for the men! I mean, last time I flew, was with American Airlines. The flight attendants were all what I like to call, “Fat friendly”. As soon as I got on the plane, I whispered to the flight attendant for a seat belt extender. She discreetly handed me one and smiled. I was sitting next to this elderly couple, and they were the nicest, sharing their vacation story with me, talking about the grandchildren. We stopped at our connecting flight in memphis, TN and we all sat and ate at a little restaurant, then we all got on our seats, and we were all in our usual seats from the first flight which was weird! and well it was a long flight, all together from LA to Saint Louis, but I enjoyed, made some elderly friends that made my flight a good one!

  4. Eva October 27, 2012 at 3:44 am #

    See – I don’t care if this was written over a year ago – I HAVE to comment! This is truth right here. I was horrified to find that at a 14, that the seatbelt was tight, and my thighs spilled out under the arm rest. They got sweaty up against my neighbor… Yes, I was in the dreaded middle seat. The tray table stayed up, because when I put it down, it just rested on my belly, and I couldn’t get my laptop screen to tilt right so that I could see it. :) I had to keep the laptop out though cause I didn’t have enough room in front of me to get it back down under the seat in front of me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: